Absent

I feel like the title of this blog is quite fitting. I've been absent. I'm going to be pretty real and raw-not because I want to sound like a broken complaining record, but because I want to be real, and I want to represent a real picture of what the adoption process can feel like at times, because it's not always fun.

Sometimes, it's really really hard

This past week was an incredibly hard week for me.  I was in a fog, and I could sense darkness.  I wanted to stay inside, and not see or talk to anyone.  I was angry.  There are parts of our adoption journey we're choosing not to share publicly, and that's because while I want people to be as involved as they can, there are some things that we will not share, because just like you won't publically share about the negative (and sometimes gross) parts of a pregnancy we are choosing to keep parts of our journey private.

But that also comes with challenges, like this past week for example.  The reality of adoption kind of hit me like a ton of bricks, the reality of a past.  Our son will have a past, a past that might have happiness, but will have sadness because he will loose (either by death, abandonment, ect) his family.  And there will be sadness, and there will be grief.  I will not be able to take back time spent in orphanages, time possibly spent alone with no one to go to him when he cries.  I wonder if he's sick, if he's getting the medicine that he needs, if he's cold. Things I just cant control.

Then I was reminded, kind of like a ton of bricks slamming in my face, I have no control.  As much as I  try to control what I can, I have no control over our adoption.  None, and it's like God shook that into me this weekend. My friend Becky told me a long time ago (and reminded me this past week ;) ) that I have to give my child over to God long before he's home and trust that God in covering him with protection.  I opened up a little to my friend Wynne, about what I'm going through and she gave me some great ideas, because she's been there, you can read a great post she wrote about waiting here...she suggested I write a letter to God. Easier said than done.  How does one start a letter to God? I literally sat there with absolutely no idea what to write...I mean...it's God...

But I did it, and it was hard, and there were many tears but I felt relief! I knew God already knew what I was going through, but writing it out (and reading it aloud) was so freeing.

I know that I'm feeling that dark that's before the morning.  I know we have to continue to fight for our son, because this is not the first of hard days, there will be many hard days in our life together.

It's important for me to write down these times so that I can remember them, and see how they line up with our adoption journey, because maybe someone else is feeling pain similar to mine, and our stories will meet one day.

Until that day, we will continue to press on and fight the good fight.

"My friends, adoption is redemption. It's costly, exhausting, expensive and outrageous. Buying back lives costs so much.  When Christ set out to redeem us, it killed him"

-Derek Loux

...I wonder what God was feeling while He was waiting for me....

Ring Ring, it's Jesus calling...

The other day I read this in my Jesus Calling Devo (love it, if you don't have it get it, and if you do have it read it) it screamed out to me that day...

"Do not be surprised by the fiery attacks on your mind.  When you struggle to find me and to live in My peace, don't let discouragement set in.  You are engaged in massive warfare, spiritually speaking.   The evil one abhors your closeness to Me, and his demonic underlings are determined to destroy our intimacy.  When you find yourself in the thick of the battle, call upon my name "Jesus, help me!" At that instant, the battle becomes Mine;  your role is simply to trust Me as I fight for you. 

"My name, properly used, has unlimited Power to bless and protect.  At the end of time, every knee will bow (in heaven, on earth, and under the earth) when My name is proclaimed.  People who have used "Jesus" as a shoddy swear word will fall down in terror on that awesome day.  But all those who have drawn near me through trustingly uttering My name will be filled with inexpressible and glorious Joy.  This is your great hope, and you await my return. "

-Jesus Calling

This week, I've definitely felt the need to call upon Him. 

Powerful words. 

Great is Thy Faithfulness

Growing up, I wasn't a huge fan of hymns.  I went to a fairly conservative church in Portland where they *sometimes* used the big organ.  The funny thing is, I really liked the organ with the pipes reaching high up, and the woman who played it always seemed so serious, so I thought playing the organ must have been a super hard job.  I mean goodness, there's several levels of keys so you've really gotta be on it to make sure you don't mess the entire service up. 

Now that I'm a "grown up" I actually have grown to appreciate hymns and the history they have.  One of my favorites as of late is "Great is thy Faithfulness."  My favorite version is this one...(excuse the cheesy graphics...)

If I had to pick a favorite verse it'd be this one

Great is thy faithfulness, great is thy faithfulness

Morning by morning new mercies I see

All I have needed, thy hand hath provided

Great is thy faithfulness, Lord unto me

Why? I don't know, I just really like it

Yesterday, I was in a pretty crappy mood (just being real here) .  My poor husband, it's like I was taken over by a grouchy, whiny brat. 

Then I heard this song on my Pandora this morning, coincidence? I think not, and I was determined to make this a better day. It's funny how God uses things like Pandora to snap me back into line. 

Photo Credit

Is this not so cute?! This would make the perfect Christmas present Justin Nunes ;) 

The Promise

The other day, Justin and I were having a conversation about the advent and the Christmas season that is now upon us.  We were talking about the excitement that was built up to the birth of this child, this Holy child.  The feeling and knowing of a promise that is being fulfilled.  The anticipation that they must have felt knowing what was to come.  Mary had this visible reminder of what is to come, her growing belly.

The excitement of my coming child must be so minimal compared to the excitement of the arrival of the King...but I felt for just a moment the other day what Mary might have felt.  Sure, I don't have a growing belly with a baby inside, but God's hand has been over us this entire journey, and there are many times I am reminded He is in control of this, not me at all. 

I'll be honest, this holiday season has been difficult for me, and it's not something I expected.  Don't get me wrong, I love the holiday season-everything about it.  Bit this year, it's very different.  It's a different season of my life, and I am learning how to walk through it.

We too, are preparing and planning  for  a child.  

A preparation that has taken much more than 9 months. A preparation that began in our heats and began as just an idea many years ago.  

A thought that quickly grew as facts were presented, and is continuing to grow as we are continuing to learn and our eyes and continuing to open wider and wider.  

A preparation that involves books, seminars, webinars.

 Information out the wazoo!

 But now...we wait.

With an anticipation that is hard to explain. 

 Because I know (not just a feeling) I know that the child that we're waiting for will do great things...

My friend Becky shared this song with me a while back, it's made things easier knowing that one day he'll be home...the child we've anticipated...

Thankful: Unlikely circumstances for good

My friend Sear suggested that I jump on the blog challenge of blogging everyday for the month of December.  Let me tell you, my finding something everyday to be thankful about? That's tough, which seems so dumb to me because I have SO much to be thankful for, but when you're searching for it...it's kinda hard.  But it has been SOOOOO good. My day is so different when I approach it with thankfulness.  Especially for me since I've chosen to document my thankfulness with a picture, it seems to be even harder because somethings just can't be photographed to justify how thankful I am for them.  

So, here I am jumping on the blog train and trying to blog every day in December, here's my post from yesterday, nothing all that exciting and I don't have anything from December 1st, cut me some slack. But I do have todays and I plan on having one post a day from today on out... I'm not sure what each post will look like. 

I'll just jump in with a little TMI....I've had an awful cold type thing the past few days...Like, you know that NyQuil commercial where they show the people sleeping all weird and snoring and stuffing tissues up there nose (I told you TMI) that's my life.  Literally I feel like a little kid where "one side" of my nose works and the other doesn't.  BUT I'm thankful for a weekend to rest and for a husband who takes care of me and brings me tissues. 

As I was lying on the couch in all pathetic glory, I read this in my daily devotional...

"As he went along, he saw a man blind from birth.  His disciples asked him, "rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?" 

"Neither the man nor his parents sinned" said Jesus "but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him."

-John 9:1-3

So that the works of God might be displayed in him....

God will use whatever situation, person or whatever He wants to bring HIM glory. Whether that be an illness, a missing limb, a terrible circumstance whatever you can think of I firmly believe that He will use as a testimony in one's life..(maybe even a cold ;) )

That's what I'm thankful for today

Currently...

Currently, I am...

Loving  this lazy weekend

Hating head colds. I hate them, BUT it's forcing me to slow down

Rejoicing over breaks in the rain

Waiting on my chicken coop to dry out, poor chickens are sinking in the sand...

Hoping in the future

Thinking about this upcoming holiday season...

Reading Running for My Life

Organizing my life...but starting with the file cabinet...

Crying because this morning I broke the garbage disposal...

Thankful because my hubs fixed it.

Praying for continued movement...

What are you doing today??

Jesus Calling

Thankfulness takes the sting out of adversity.  That is why I have instructed you to give thanks for everything.  There is an element of mystery in this transaction: You give Me thanks (regardless of your feelings), and I give you joy (regardless of your circumstances). This is a spiritual act of obedience-at times, blind obedience.  To people who don't know Me intimately, it can seem irrational and even impossible to thank Me for heartrending hardships.  Nonetheless, those who obey Me in this way are invariably blessed, even though difficulties may remain. 

Thankfulness opens your heart to My presence and your mind to My thoughts.  You may still be in the same place, with the same set of circumstances, but it is as if a light has been switched on, enabling you to see from My perspective.  It is this Light of My Presence that removes the sting from adversity.  

"Always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ."

-Ephesians 5:20

"Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; his love endures forever"

-Psalm 118:1

"Blessed are those who have learned to acclaim you, who walk in the light of your presence"

-Psalm 89:15

-Jesus Calling

...I'm not the most thankful person at times..a lot of the time.  And I don't always like to choose joy, but this devotion today spoke to me in a powerful way-that I need to choose joy. Always. I will be choosing to find joy  daily.  My goal is to find at least one thing each day I'm thankful for from today until a year from now. Yep November 24th 2012-November 24th-2013. I know, I know most people start these kinds of things January 1st, but I march to the beat of my own drum. I'll be posting my thankful thoughts via Instagram, why? Because I'm totally visual and am not all that good at expressing with words. 

Find me on Instagram :) stephanie_nunes

ps...I'm starting off strong today's thankful post with a dead phone, so no thankful pic, BUT I won a blog design giveaway, that's why my blog here has a new look :) So today, I'm thankful that I won a blog design (shallow I know)  but I'm not techy at all, and could never do anything like this on my own.